mulletmemos

1 John 4:19 We love because He first loved us.

Restless

It has been awhile since I have updated here, mostly because there is no update.  7 months and 8 days ago our dossier entered IBESR(Haitian government department that issues referrals and processes adoptions).  We were naive and hopeful back then, thinking that we would have a referral within a couple of months.  Reality has slowly and steadily eaten away at the hope.  It’s not gone, it’s just a lot harder to grab onto and hold for more than a few minutes.  Nothing about our determination to adopt from Haiti or our belief that this is where God has led us has changed.  Emotions, however, don’t always behave within the boundaries of our beliefs.  There are so many emotions that come and go as God teaches me that He is enough.  I used to joke that patience is a virtue, it’s just one that I don’t have.  It’s not funny anymore.  Patience is discipline.  Patience is discipline applied to emotions.  Patience is wrestling my heart back to the place where it rests in God and His truth and His promises.  There are moments when it is overwhelming to know that there is a little girl living in an orphanage who will one day be living in our home.  She has a family, but she doesn’t know it yet.  Every day is another day that establishes her normal as living without a mother or a father.  Every day she becomes more comfortable with the surroundings she is in right now, with being one of many who has no one.  It absolutely breaks my heart, and I haven’t even seen her face yet.  I wonder if she cries at night for a momma.  I wonder if one day she will know that she had a momma who was crying for her too.  As the government employees in Haiti work to implement a new system, we wait in frustrated silence.  There is no news.  I could be angry, and sometimes I am.  I could be sad, and often I am.  There are periods of time when my life here with the family God has already blessed me with is enough to distract me from thinking about it, and in those moments I remember joy.  Mostly, I just feel restless.  It is that feeling of knowing that a big change is coming, but having to still live the moments until it comes.  I am trying to live the moments well, but it’s hard.  Remember when you were a kid and you would mark off days on the calendar until some big event like your birthday or a family vacation?  It feels like we are doing that, except that someone keeps moving the big day on the calendar back every time we get close.  I know that I need to take my eyes off the calendar and focus on the One who is not bound by time, but I fail at it over and over.  It’s alright though, because every time I remember to look, He hasn’t moved.  One day she’ll be home, and I’ll realize that my heart was broken in this wait so that I could help her heart heal.

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